Just a random what if....

[dancer-sm]

So say by chance a sm begins to really like one of the actors....should she act on those feelings or should she just get through the next 14 practices trying to avoid him??

Have any of you gone through this? Or do any of you have any ideas on what I should do??

Replies would be greatly appreciated!

Dancer-sm!

[Tempest]

Dancer-sm, you're asking for a friend, right?   

I'll come totally clean: I've had feelings for, or, to be more honest about it, a crush on, performers more than once before.  Hey, we work with people who are attractive and engaging for a living, and SMs are only human!

And besides letting myself enjoy the flutters that come with those feelings, I did absolutely nothing about it.  I didn't treat my crush any differently in rehearsal, performance, or notes.  I didn't write anonymous letters or leave presents in their dressings rooms.  And I didn't speak to anyone about it, certinaly not the object of my attention.  I had a nice, safe, little secret that could bring a mysterious smile to my lips, on occasion, and didn't hurt anyone or put anyone at any risk.

If I had run into my crushes, in a non-theatre situation, after the show closed, I might have tried my chances.  But only once the working relationship was completely over.  Besides, if all you have in common is theatre, that's (generally) a REALLY bad idea.

There are literally billions of people, in the world, not involved in your show and, even if you're working on a giant opera, less than 300 who are.  Work and romance typically don't mix, but that is a decision everyone has to come to on their own (unless there are rules already in place in your workplace, in which case, always play by the rules.)

Now, I do see that your experience is listed as high school, which is a slightly different kettle of fish.  My senior year, my boyfriend was the lead in the show I stage managed, BUT we were already dating well before he was cast and I was picked to SM.  In my opinion, middle of rehearsals of a high school show is a bad time to start a relationship with anyone!  If the feelings are still there once the show closes, I'd say then is the time to go for it!

[missliz]

My last serious relationship was with a guy I met doing a show. However, he was the set designer so it wasn't the same as an actor/SM relationship. Regardless, we didn't start dating until after the show had opened. We did quite a few shows together, and we agreed that during work hours it was a business relationship only. No pet names, no favoritism, etc.

As for actors....I think it'd be a similar situation. Probably not a good idea until the show is running, and don't let it seep into the show. My friend said "Don't date within your show...but if you do, make sure it's worth it."

[KMC]

You're in high school, it's not a professional environment.  Go for it, have fun, no regrets.

[bex]

I had a huge crush on an actor in one of my shows in college, and I waited until the show closed to say anything about it.  I then had to stage manage another show that he was in after we broke up, which was only awkward until we both decided to grow up and act professional. I also stage managed a different show with a guy I was dating in it, but we had been dating for about 4 months before rehearsals started so it was a different feeling than starting a relationship in the midst of a show.

I've found that I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing- when I'm at work, I'm at work and that's that.  Which brings to mind a summerstock romance with an actor who couldn't separate "Stage Manager Becky" from "Friend Becky" and caused all kinds of problems.

Dating someone in theatre is a blessing and a curse... they understand better than anyone else the "I can't, I have rehearsal" syndrome, but being together all the time (if you're dating someone in the same company/production) or never seeing each other (if you work for different companies) are both relationship-ruiners, in my experience.

All that being said, I think I agree with kmc307- you're in high school! go for it!


Wow... typing all of this has made me realize that 1- I need to stop dating actors, and 2- I need to go out and make some friends who aren't in theatre! 

[nick_tochelli]

Wow... typing all of this has made me realize that 1- I need to stop dating actors, and 2- I need to go out and make some friends who aren't in theatre!

I agree with #1 and #2! I made it a rule of thumb to not date anyone in the industry. I didn't have this personal policy in high school and had terrible, horrible, no good very bad relationships with some of the tech crew girls (I was an actor at the time). After each of those relationships crashed and burned and subsequently made performing a real chore and awkward (nothing quite like kissing a girl onstage while your ex glares at you from the wings with a crow bar in hand), I decided to not date anyone in theater ever!

In general, work place romances are a huge no-no. Being able to compartmentalize or not, I still don't think it's something an SM should do. Especially being middle management with problem solving and mediator as part of the job description.

Great example: I was working with a stage manager who was dating an actress (chorus girl) who got into a huge verbal/nearly physical altercation with another chorus girl. I knew the entire sordid history between the two girls (this whole weird jealousy/anger thing had been brewing for two weeks), saw the entire fight from start to finish, was the one who eventually separated the two, and when I reported everything I knew about the fight to the SM so it could be dealt with, he took his girlfriend's side and reported it to the producer as he interpreted it. It alienated the entire cast from the SM and this chorus girl because everyone knew the SM's girlfriend was in the wrong. The cast sent an "anonymous" letter explaining what happened, I got pulled into the office to tell my side of the story to the producers and the entire company was put on edge because the SM was dating an actor. Thankfully, it was summer stock and there was only one week left before the cast was shipped out for a new one.

While  I admit it was really difficult in the past to maintain my personal code (Cause who can honestly choose who they are attracted to?), it's generally better to keep those feelings to yourself until the show is over. (Getting engaged has helped me get over those feelings of l'amour for cast members and colleagues.)

But like others have said, you're in high school. And it can't be possible for everyone to be so jealous they would threaten you with a crow bar, right?....

[Scott]

In general, work place romances are a huge no-no.

But it's been going on at least since the days of Moliere! 

[MatthewShiner]

This is always an interesting topic.

Yes, there is something about making friends and dating civilians, but the reality is the heart wants what the hearts wants.

On the flip side, there are better times to act on on it.  Work Place romances, especially as a manager, can be very compicated - and require some discression, maturity, careful navagation.

I always don't seem to mind the work place dating as much as I hate the work place break-ups.

[nick_tochelli]

But it's been going on at least since the days of Moliere! 

Yes, this is very true. Otherwise, topics like this would be such a huge scandal. "Dating a coworker??? GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY! THAT'S TERRIBLE!"

I always don't seem to mind the work place dating as much as I hate the work place break-ups.

That's really what prompted my entire life philosophy of not dating co-workers. Dating a co-worker could be fine....as long as you never ever break up.

[missliz]

I always don't seem to mind the work place dating as much as I hate the work place break-ups.

That's really what prompted my entire life philosophy of not dating co-workers. Dating a co-worker could be fine....as long as you never ever break up.

Not that you can predict it, but if both people can be civil and respectful of one another, then while it might be a little awkward it doesn't have to be bad. My ex and I still work together, send each other on jobs, etc...we respect the other's work and, even if not romantically, work very well together!

[nick_tochelli]

Not that you can predict it, but if both people can be civil and respectful of one another, then while it might be a little awkward it doesn't have to be bad. My ex and I still work together, send each other on jobs, etc...we respect the other's work and, even if not romantically, work very well together!

I am certainly not an expert at dating a coworker at all (what with the whole...I elect to not date coworkers thing), so my take on it does obviously lack some personal experience. I've just never really seen it work out before. But I'm glad to know it can in some cases!

[babens]

On the flip side of the "wait until the show is over" train of thought, sometimes waiting (or bottling up those feelings) can lead to an inordinate amount of stress and jealousy (and, sadly, I do speak from experience there).  Some people might be able to handle the conflict of their feelings of trying to remain professional, while all the while wanting to be closer to somebody, and others are going to have a hard time doing that.

I'll also share that I had a "show-mance" that resulted in a two and a half year relationship, so they can sometimes lead to something good.

[dancer-sm]

I have took everything all of you said into consideration as well as taking what my best friend in the entire world said, which is my light person. After reading these things I have decided to let it be, I of course would love it if he were to start talking to me as if we were soon to be a couple, but I'm not going to push it.

I also am extremely dedicated to my education as is he so I don't know when I will have time for a relationship. But seeing as I'm in high school I will continue to secretly flirt with him!

Dancer-sm

[nick_tochelli]

*starts one of those slow claps made famous in high school/teen movies*

Sorry, I felt like it had to be done. 

Break a leg on your show!

[dancer-sm]

Thank you!! Everything is coming together, meaning my show and me begining to talk to him! Thinking about it all is kind of scary because it is all happening so soon but I'm super excited.

Just a little update my friend talked to him without my knowledge and he practically instantly knew it was me and then started smiling at me.....So we'll see!

Dancer-sm