Best one-liner from a performance report

[catalinacisne]

"When [actor] pulls down boxers to reveal the pimples on his butt, the balcony can see the under-dressed red leather thong beneath."

From a production of The Full Monty.

(Edited for mild profanity.  ~T_G)

[SGU312]

From last nights rehearsal report for Lysistrata:

[Costume Designer]: (Director) would like to talk to you about the erections.

[Hannah_UK]

From a performance of Sweeney Todd:

"When Toby removed his hat he also removed his wig which flew into the orchestra pit and hit a percussionist on the head"

[VSM]

From a performance of RED HERRING ~

"We're not getting off together…"

[Jill Woodward]

Actor needs to shave. The director would like to see his face.

[Calie.Davis]

"No sexy light unless accompanied by bananas"

Rocky Horror Picture Show

[SMGirl1982]

One-liners from my last production ranged from our director informing us that: "Shakespeare is telling us to kick him in the crotch!" to: Actress: "Line?" Prompter: "And we all knew our lines." Actress: "(swearing)." Other favorites include: "I couldn't find [actress's] lips for the life of me!" and "What happened to [actor]? Probably dingos."

[missliz]

PROPS: Will need a large dildo for the dream sequence. [Actress]'s "friend" has one to lend us. (Unused, no worries.)

[dallas10086]

For a Holocaust play with VERY graphic images of hangings and corpses, as well as derogatory references and general Nazi-ness:

"Five year old in the audience. Mother warned by box office and house management of graphic content and 10+ age recommendation. She consented...so we're covered in case she wants to sue us for future therapy bills."

[cserendipity]

Last week, my rehearsal report included the following:

"We need a cardboard cutout of the Pope for [the actress] to polka with."

[MusicTheatreSM]

Here are several from a children's theatre production of Peter Pan. The audience is encouraged to interact with the characters, most of these are children responses for the production department's knowledge.

{Actor}l's left Mermaid breast is coming apart.

After Smee's line "A mother.  Gross" a child yelled back "A mother is great."

After Pan's line "I don't need you I don't need anyone" child responded with "you need mermaids."

Today Smee was told to "eat Tiger Lily"

{ASM} burned herself on Tinkerbell - accident report was filled out.

One enthusiastic boy brought many laughs, after the croc first chased Hook offstage and Smee said "That didn't go well" the boy said loudly "That went awesome."  Later he very directly told Pan "Hook came in and poisoned it when you were sleeping

[JenniferS.]

These are all notes from reports related to the last show I ASMed, Coram Boy.

Rehearsal report:

Props: "There will now be only one dream baby with umbilical cord in Act I, Scene 29 (pg 56). Could we add a violin case to carry the baby in as well as autumn leaves to fall out of the case? Thank you!"

Later on in the report....

Lights: "Could we please explore the possibility of adding dry ice to the violin case carrying the dream baby and leaves [See Props Note #4] in Act I, Scene 29 (pg 56)? Thank you!"

Production Meeting Report:

Scenery: "It has been determined that the baby holes will need to be large enough to accommodate partial baby skeletons as well as the freshly dead babies set into the holes in Act I."

Needless to say, props tracking for that show involved a lot of babies in various states of alive and dead.

[Samazon]

So this is from a rehearsal report from tonight that I was so happy to see (my assistant was pretty excited too):

"The corpse is great, thank you!"

They still have three more corpses in various states of decay heading into rehearsal within the next week.
This is one show I don't mind being the props person for! 

[ambrosialx]

"Fix [dancer]'s camel toe", on a related note the first thing one of my dancers said when meeting me (before introductions and everything) "can you see my nipples through this?"

[NomieRae]

From Saturday night's report--

There were also a lot of wacky audience volunteers including a girl celebrating her Sweet 16 in a beauty queen gown complete with tiara and a sash that read “Birthday Beyotch.” Naturally they chose her for the Men's Medley. Her boyfriend was chosen for the Alien Sex bit and ASM had him remove his shirt. Then she saw his braces and we realized how young they were. ASM felt like a “dirty old lady.”