I know it’s easier said than done, but keep in mind that it doesn’t really matter what she thinks of you. Keep the positive opinions of people you respect in mind when you approach her. As maximillionx pointed out, you don’t even know that she thinks you’re a moron. You could try to imagine a more positive backstory, like assuming her intimidating tone is just her getting into character. As stage managers, we often interact with people in high stress/high emotion situations. I generally assume negative vibes are not about me personally, but about the situation.
It may help to give a reason in your interactions with this actor, and speak to her privately rather than in front of the group when possible. Your original examples sounded like things you might have called out across the room. Maybe you could have walked over to Lena and said something like “We’ve noticed that noise carries into the theater from here, and the director has asked us to keep our voices down.” Many times I’ve had actors respond better to that approach because they don’t feel like they’re being yelled at. Then you also don’t have to worry that she might “talk back” to you in front of the group, and it makes staying quiet not about your needs, but about the director, whose good side she probably wants to stay on. Good luck!
