Being friends with the SM

[kiyunkim]

I'm only a senior in high school, and I'm being a SM for the first time! We're putting on Footloose.

How do you manage to be friends with the cast/crew? Or do you keep it strictly business?

[MatthewShiner]

It all depends on your management style . . . but I found early in my career to separate work and social life any way I could - I found it easier to keep an objective eye on the production, and make sure everyone understands you are being as fair as you can possible be.

[dee4156]

I find my style more of a professional "parent" - social time is OK but you need to treat everyone equally - no favoring - and definitely don't get drawn into gossiping.

[loebtmc]

This topic has been discussed a couple of times as well as some ancillary discussion that included this issue altho it wasn't the central exchange of info. Here are a few links to get you started -

The Green Room / Re: Achieving a Professional Understanding
http://smnetwork.org/forum/index.php/topic,6171.msg37968.html#msg37968

and - break a leg!

[John Zachary Wells]

In High school I found it was easier to be like a parent. You want to keep the discipline but you want them to respect you because they want to, not because they have to. 

[ekylsnav6]

I may be off base in saying this, and I totally agree with everything that has been said, but I also think that creating those relationships will really help you run things smoother. There is a certain level of professionalism that I feel an SM should have so that the cast and crew feel confident in your work, but I do think that "stiff" or "overbearing" additudes make you less-approachable. I've found that being open and available to everyone makes for a much smoother and more enjoyable process.  I know I'm not the most experienced or professional Stage Manager (junior in college) but in what I've done I've always got compliments and thank yous at the end of my shows because of my additude.

~best~
Matt

[missliz]

I just laid it out...in this room, I have to boss you around a bit; outside of this room, we can be buddies.

[LimeGreenTechie]

Being a stage manager to your peers is always difficult--I've found my management style is best when I can make friends with ALL of the cast/crew, but letting them know that I am strictly business when it comes to rehearsal and performances. I agree with what people said above--if you want to be friends with your cast/crew, make sure you don't favor any one group. You have to be friends with all, socialize with all.

And that, to me at least, is the best part of being a stage manager. Getting to know your designers and cast members on a more personal level sometimes makes them easier to manage. Just remember that this is your job, and treat it as such.

Break legs! I'm sure you'll be great.

[MatthewShiner]

Being friends with ALL the cast and crew seems to be a very odd style.  I think it can complicated your relationship with an actor, and end up making you job more difficult - especially in situations where you may have to reprimand the actor.  If your management style requires the actor "to be on your side" - or "do this as my friend", then it might be wise in how to evolve your management style - end of the day, there maybe people who don't want to be your friend, or you can't strike a friendship with.  I find it odd that as a stage manager you want make it a priority to "be friends with all" and "socialize" with all - I don't have the time, energy or the interest.

I would actually encourage a younger stage manager to NOT socialize with the cast or crew - have a life outside of work. Come in, be friendly, social and work - but outside of work not involve the cast and crew.  I think this can develop into a very healthy career pattern where your entire identity is not wrapped up in your career.  As you become more comfortable with your management style and leadership abilities . . . then maybe you can socialize. 

I like to, for example, take my team out to a meal during pre-production, drinks during tech, and then do the opening and closing parties - and that seems like enough. 

I like having work relationships stay at work - which doesn't mean I am cold (those that now me) - I just find that regardless of how "fair" and "equal" you may try to be, it often doesn't work out that way.

[NomieRae]

I agree with Matthew - my general style is to be pleasant and friendly to all as co-workers and try to leave work and home separate as much as possible.

This helps me decompress after a long day - meeting a friend for drinks after a long day and not talking about work is lovely. Spending the day off without the same 12 people I see all week is blissful.

Does this mean that you'll never form lasting friendships with some people in casts or crews? No. Some of my very closest friends are people I met during a show and we've fostered that friendship outside of work. It takes a good balance to make it work.

[lydiaelaine]

The best way that I've found to handle it, in a college theatre setting, has been that during our first table work/read thru, we go around the room and everyone introduces themselves (even though we all generally know each other), says their position/role, and something you should know about them. Mine usually goes like this, "Hey guys! My name is Lydia and I'm your stage manager. Something you should know about me is that even though I'm your friend socially, when we are here I'm all business, but never feel like you can't talk to me." They know me well enough to respect me professionally and I always return that to them. 

[Kelasaurus]

I am still learning the line.  It's more difficult for me in my current situation, as I am working quite a ways away from home in a small town, a lot of hanging out and doing things together socially occurs.  Most of the company lives on the mainland, which is a fairly expensive two hour ferry ride away.  Because of this, a lot of them stay here for the weekend.  Generally, if we are not hanging out together, I am at home on the couch watching movies and spending time on facebook. All day. By myself.

Normally, I completely get the "separating work and social life as much as possible" thing, which is something I practice at home.  But here, I think it's a different sort of situation.  I'm still young, and away from my friends and family for three months, so it's much harder to not be friends with the company.

[brettnexx]

It sometimes is hard to get the mentality of separating work from social life. If you really are friends with someone in the cast, they will know to respect you. I did a show this past nov/dec. I was friends with the whole cast, some of them knew they needed to respect me, and did so. One of them, however, gave me attitude when I was telling them something (they were joking of course). What I did was take them aside (not during the rehearsal, or breaks, but just on our own time) and told them that they needed to realize that I was taking this seriously, as if it were a professional show, and they needed to show me the respect I deserve. They behaved from then on.

[Maggie K]

It's a very fine line.  It's difficult for me to not be social with the folks that I'm working with.  After all, we spend a lot of time together in relatively small spaces.  You also tend to develop relationships with actors that you frequently work with.  Being social and friendly also means that an actor may feel more comfortable coming to you with a problem that is of a personal nature.  However, they also have to know that you are a professional and that they need to take you seriously (and you will take them seriously).  For anything show related you are the stage manager first and their friend second.  I feel that this is one of the first and most important lessons that many SMs coming out of college and high school need to learn.

I once was the 1st ASM for a show with a very large cast and the 2nd ASM hadn't learned that lesson yet.  If an actor wasn't doing something they needed to be doing (or vice versa) she wouldn't want to talk to them because she was afraid they would think she was a "witch".  So the task would fall to me.  After awhile I became very tired of always being the bad guy while she was "friends" with everyone.

On a different note, an actor who I've been friends with since college once told me he could always tell when I shifted into "stage manager mode" because my facial/body language became more focused and serious. 

But as I said, it's a fine line and how you straddle it can be different for every person.

[P3NGU1N]

I'm currently a Junior, and usually the solo SM at my school.  Unfortunately that made it hard to share the "good cop, bad cop" routine with someone else.  Which forced me to just be strictly professional at rehearsal.  I think that if you are co-SMing then it's possible to be a little loose, but otherwise it seems hard to maintain the respect from the actors that's required to put on a good production (Especially when they're all your peers).

I think it all depends on if your actors will understand the difference between you being their friend, and you being in charge of them.