Author Topic: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches  (Read 6012 times)

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MatthewShiner

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VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« on: Jul 22, 2013, 11:40 pm »
So, twice in as many weeks, I have been offered a really cool job, that indeed would involve relocation . . .

But the problem is, I am a very expensive person to relocate - I have a lease that would need to be paid off, an husband to move, and a dog . . . not to mention my couch (my sad, sad Ikea couch).  All the physical things can be stored, especially when taking a long term international gig, but I sort of need my family.

It's complicated, as you get older, and want a nice couch (mind you my couch is not nice), and a family, but it does complicate the career a bit. 

I am finding that I am needing to focus my career geographically (lucky I am based in NYC, so there is some theatre there - and within 4 hours of NYC - there is a lot of theatre), but I am finding that other options I am having to turn down because the cost of relocation prices me out of the line item for stage management. 

It's something to consider - me and my husband have made the decision, that after 11 months on the road out of 13, it would be better I be unemployed a bit and at home then work someplace that requires a 16 hour flight, and a visit.

I am just interested in the married / attached stage managers what sort of conversations and rules have you set up.

(BTW - my husband has been truly supportive of me, following me from Dallas to DC to NYC, and allowing me to work all over the world . . . it's just now, and funny how this works after 12 years of being together . . . we just sort of like being together more then I like doing cool jobs far, far away.  He is one of the best stage manager spouses on the planet . . . which leads me to believe maybe we should form a sub-board so SOOSMS (Significant Others Of Stage Managers) . . . with great topics like "How to be supportive during a 10/12?", "What things to say to the unemployed stage manager?", "Why don't I ever see my Spouse anymore?")

In the end, there I times I wish I was 25 years old, single, and able to move to with a quick jump on a plane . . . but there are parts of my life I have now . . . I can't give up.



 
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Anything posted here as in my own personal opinion, and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of my employer - whomever they be at a given moment in time.

Jessie_K

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #1 on: Jul 23, 2013, 05:32 am »
Congrats on the job offers. 

I think it's a good sign that you are able to prioritize your life based around actual people! In the end, your spouse and your couch will provide you more comfort in the long term than a cool overseas job.

Who will change your adult diaper when you're 90?  Not a show...

Many of us give up a lot chasing our careers.  Be glad you have someone worth turning down a job for.

SMrobyn

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #2 on: Jul 23, 2013, 08:14 am »
I completely agree - this job isn't easy to be supportive of 24|7, but sometimes they're just perfect at it.

My boyfriend is really good at the "she's getting home from a long day, and is going to rant about the things that went wrong, get super excited about the things that went right, and I just need to let her go". Having pizza on the table helps too, as well as usually a Disney movie:) (he makes coffee too. I'm set!)

We do part of the year long-distance for HIS job, but we're kind of getting sick of that and trying to figure out if my going to grad school would be worth the potential time apart...

It takes a certain type of person to BE a stage manager, and there are also certain qualities you need to be with a stage manager, IMO.
A dream is a wish your heart makes... And I dream of lighting cues, prop sheets, quick changes and prompt books :)

dallas10086

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #3 on: Jul 23, 2013, 10:55 am »
*raises hand* Married with a 5 year old. I was offered a gig in Arizona and couldn't do it - didn't WANT to do it, really - because I wasn't ready to uproot my family across the country. I used to want to tour like crazy, but now I have second thoughts before sending in my resume. I interviewed for a position out of SM - still in theatre - and the only reason I did that was because my husband and I had discussed this major city as a future point of destination for us, and it had all the things I was looking for in a non-SM gig. Priorities change as we get older and have other people we are responsible to for our time, money, and person. I don't see anything wrong with tweaking the dreams and goals as priorities shift.

And Matthew, I totally and completely understand your furniture situation! I used to have a fear of even buying a bed, because I knew it was an omen that meant I was going to have to move in 6 months. It took me 2 years to unpack my boxes...never mind that come December I get to pack them back up again. Grrr.

lsears

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #4 on: Jul 23, 2013, 04:15 pm »
Ah...rules about work and which jobs to take.  When my husband and I were engaged our pre-marital counselor suggested that we try to formulate something so there would be guidelines about which jobs I took, or even applied for, so that it didn't get emotional every time a work situation arose.

We came up with a few that worked the first few years, mostly by chance, I was happily working for a steady company on a regular basis and because I had just graduated college I was used to living frugally with not a lot of stuff.  As I remember it boiled down to these three guidelines:
1) I would only look out of town for work if there was no work available in town.
2) After three weeks apart someone was going to have to travel for a visit.
3) Limit out of town work to 1/4 of the year.

This worked for us for the first five years - but they also shaped my career and my opportunities from the start, in both positive and negative ways.  We don't have anything set now, we just take each season as it comes.  There was one terrible year where I was out of town for six months then came back to a demanding show at home and my husband said he missed me more when I was back but never available.  It's not easy.

This year we're trying something different.  I'm working at a smaller theater that is far less demanding of my time and energy, followed by four months of me working out of town.  The hope is that while I'm in town we'll actually have time together to be more than roommates and the out of town work covers us financially.   There was a lot of discussion to get to this point, who knows if we'll do something similar in the future.  One of the big things that has helped us in the past two years is that he has changed to a job that also requires him to travel.  He travels less, and only for a week or so at a time, but it feels more balanced, and he isn't the one constantly getting left behind.  The poor dog hates it when either one of us travels. 

That's a window into our life, I hope it's helpful to others trying to find a balance.

BayAreaSM

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #5 on: Jul 23, 2013, 04:21 pm »
Married 11 years with a 13 month old and a dog...

We made the decision to stay grounded back in 2008, when we bought a house. We picked a location that allowed me to drive (at most) 60-90 minutes to any decent AEA SM gig in the SF Bay Area. It's also close to my husband's university for his PhD and about 60 minutes from his work.

Since we bought our home I've done small gigs that have taken me to China, D.C. and Cleveland, with the longest gig at 5 weeks. My husband (and parents) flew out to see me, but since having a child my priorities have shifted. In the beginning, it was just my husband, the dog and I. We'd have to make sure my husband didn't have to travel for work when I was in tech/performances, because of the dog. Otherwise, we had to figure out boarding. Now with a son, if I have tech/performances, a set of parents flies out to CA from Indiana to watch him, and keep my husband company.

Just last weekend I did my first run out to Napa, where I was put up in a hotel for 4 nights. It was the first time being away from my son since he was born, and my parents flew out to watch him. While I was in the moment in the theater, when I was in my hotel room I was yearning for my son. And just yesterday I was asked if I would consider returning to the freelance SM lifestyle because management at my resident PSM gig has yet to give me my return date for the Fall. I had to think about it - my husband, my son, my dog - and I said at this time I couldn't. Even though my regular PSM job is being a pain, I needed to be Monday-Friday 9am-5pm, so that I could definitely have evenings and weekends with my son.

To me, touring (or relocating) doesn't even seem like an option now. Perhaps when my son is older I'll return to freelance work, but I don't think I could ever take a job that would require relocation unless my husband had a job offer in the same area.

Maribeth

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #6 on: Jul 23, 2013, 04:52 pm »
Not married but in a serious relationship. When it comes up, it's more of a conversation of how we will make it work. Since both of us travel for work it's been sort of the norm (and really, we mostly worry about who's going to take care of the cat and pick up the farmshare). He doesn't have a choice about going out of town but I do.

I did almost an entire season out of town, a few years ago. The money was good, the experience was good, but it was hard to spend so much time away from my real life. I chose not to return for the next season for that reason.

There's also something kind of nice about the extra work we put into the relationship when one of us is out of town. We call each night, text pictures and updates during the day, plan visits, etc. And it does make me more grateful of the time I have at home. I'm working out of town right now, but I'm able to come home on Mondays and Tuesdays, and we usually try to have a date night when I'm home.

No really hard conversations yet but being in the relationship (and our future plans, like wanting to buy a home) shapes my career decisions.

On_Headset

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #7 on: Jul 23, 2013, 07:31 pm »
Quote
lucky I am based in NYC, so there is some theatre there
Sorry, haven't heard of it. Is NYC a summerstock town or something?


("Some" theatre? :P )

DeeCap

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #8 on: Jul 24, 2013, 08:29 am »
I was single when my career took off.  For a while it was great to have all my belongings fit in the back of my car. As I got older I began to get lonely and wished I had someone to come home to.

About seven years ago I took the job that I currently have now. It's not as rewarding as stage managing a show but it provides fantastic benefits and steady hours. I made a ton of good friends, got married, and we recently bought a house.

I do wish that my career could be as satisfying as my personal life.  However at the end of the day you can't go home and snuggle with your career.

Kaleigh.Knights

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #9 on: Jul 24, 2013, 09:22 pm »
However at the end of the day you can't go home and snuggle with your career.

Wouldn't that be nice!
To be a good stage manager you need to have the soul of an artist, the mind of a director, the eye of a designer, the joy of being an actor...
and the ability to manage them all.

maximillionx

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #10 on: Jul 25, 2013, 03:39 pm »
I've been with my fiance (getting married in October in the middle of the run of THREE different shows, but that's a whole different story) for over 10.5 years.  We've been through college in different states and working in 2 very different fields (Theatre & Law). One thing we've found is that you have to set aside time to just be with each other.  Not just date nights or errands or projects, but just hanging around at the same time.  There's points when all we see of each other for weeks is when she's up early getting ready to go lawyerin' and I'm getting home late after tech.
As far as long-term plans, I see myself transitioning out of the SM role and into something with more "normal-people" hours. Maybe a TD gig or teaching.  She's put up with a lot from me and really has carried me through this crazy career of mine.  I think I'd agree to whatever rules she wants in order to make it work.
And all these stories are really great!  Makin' me hopeful and junk...
. . . which leads me to believe maybe we should form a sub-board so SOOSMS (Significant Others Of Stage Managers) . . . with great topics like "How to be supportive during a 10/12?", "What things to say to the unemployed stage manager?", "Why don't I ever see my Spouse anymore?")
Love this!
We also just bought a really nice coffee table.  Ouch couch is a hand-me-down futon from my parents....still workin' on that.

Bwoodbury

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #11 on: Jul 25, 2013, 04:48 pm »
I don't have trouble with spouses or pets, but couches? I have been in the same apartment building in the DC metro for almost 3 years. I signed one lease and then moved to a bigger apartment and am now in the middle of a second year-minimum lease. And it's really hard to take out of town work sometimes. I spent all of last November out of town on 4 separate gigs and I spent the whole time terrified my apartment was on fire. The money in that instance was enough to be worth it (and all my travel and housing was provided by the company), but it's hard to justify leaving to work when I'm just going to use the money to pay for stuff I'm not using.

And speaking of dallas' bed-omen, any time I completely restock my fridge with perishables like a civilian, I get a last minute gig that takes me out of town or into an 80 hour week.

ejsmith3130

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #12 on: Jul 27, 2013, 11:28 am »
I have now been married for 364 days (our anniversary is tomorrow!) and it really has been different, but we had several ways of coping with all the craziness of marriage and starting our careers and everything. We got married a year after college and I had mainly been doing out of town work and then living with family when I wasn't out of town and he lived with family while finishing grad school, so we were able to both decide on where to go and start our lives as a couple. Philadelphia seemed the logical step as I had always had my eye on it and his teaching degree was only good in PA.

We had these conversations with our Priest in marriage counseling as well and I think it was great to really hash through everything before hand so that we went into this with the same expectations. We agreed to settle down in an area that was convenient to both of us, and I said that I would stay in town for our first year before I went more than an hour or so away. Now that flew out the window when I got an offer (that I didn't apply for- they were looking for a replacement of someone I knew) in Alaska that was really great money and opportunity. When I spoke to my husband about it and his exact words were "I knew what I was getting into when I married you. Go."

Alaska turned out to be awful (good company, I just can not handle a lack of sunlight and January in Alaska is just not my thing) and I missed my husband way more than I ever had when we had just been dating and I was traveling. I found myself not wanting to take out of town jobs anymore- and I'm really okay with that. I am lucky enough to live in a place where I was able to sign on as a year long ASM and I only have about 4 weeks downtime that I haven't filled for next season.

I always wanted to do a tour and see the world, but a lot of those jobs just didn't come through for me in the short amount of time I was willing to apply for them. I have friends who work on cruises and see so much and make a ton of money, but I wouldn't trade with them for all of that. I have walls at home that I can paint, and put actual things up on them rather than the postcards that used to be my only decoration when I was traveling. Now I'm getting ready to go on my first real vacation with my husband and I'm so super excited to get to do some traveling that doesn't involve work. I get to relax and really see the places we are going. I think that is way better than just working in a cool place that  you never see because you are working the whole time and then when you go home you don't have anyone to share that with. That's what Alaska was to me.

The scariest thing for me though about all of this though is that this works both ways. My husband has a interview this week for a full time teaching position (his first all year) and the job is two hours away from the city where I have already signed contracts for this season. Now we had to sit down and talk about moving away from the city for his job- and not moving to the really cute suburb that I work in and had my heart set on. I knew though that him having a stable job was something super important and in this economy and job market for teachers, we can't afford to turn down a full time job with benefits because it is going to mean bigger commutes for both of us.

In the end it may sound cliché but it really is all about communication. What works for one couple might not work for another, but you need to be really open and honest about what makes you happy. If your relationship is strong, you can make long distance work for a little while, but you need to be fair to the both of you.

BARussell

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Re: VENT: The trouble with spouses, pets and couches
« Reply #13 on: Jul 28, 2013, 12:27 am »
I have (well had) special circumstances that made my relationship work pretty well for the first three years now going into year 4 things have gotten complicated. Mostly with my fiancee being deported and all. Before when he would travel with me cause he could do his job from anywhere and travel to places he needed to go for business meetings, etc. Now he can only stay a certain amount of time in the states and if that lines up with busy work times then we're screwed, like his recent trip where I was closing one show and starting prepro for another with no break. Plus I'm never working where our homes are so I always have to negotiate housing him when he is able to come. But right now I am holding down the fort while he is thousands of miles and a five hour time difference away, which really sucks when you are on a rehearsal schedule and literally are never able to talk at the same time. But we have learned to cope (luckily the beginning of the relationship was long distance so we are used to it) We send messages, long emails, sometimes I stay up late or he gets up extra early. Luckily he has really come to understand the commitment of this career.  I am also not trying to schedule any gigs for the next month so that we can spend enough time together that he will be sick of me again. I guess I am bad because I have never chosen my job over him but so far it has been win/win. 
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