Author Topic: Student Stage Manager's Challenge #4: When being an SM and a friend collide  (Read 10679 times)

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zayit shachor

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Here's one we've all probably had to deal with at one time or another while stage managing in a university setting.  I'll set up a hypothetical, but feel free to chime in with your own experiences in similar situations.

You are the stage manager of your school's mainstage show.  Your roommate, who is a good friend of yours, was cast in the show in a fairly large role.  It's now a few weeks into the rehearsal process, and your roommate has been constantly late to rehearsals by 5 or 10 minutes - sometimes more.  Each time you talk to her about it, she gives an excuse and promises to shape up.  As her roommate you know that she's dealing with some personal problems and understand why she is having trouble, but her lack of punctuality has been affecting rehearsals and your director is very frustrated.  The director is thinking about replacing her, which you know would be devastating.

How would you handle this situation?

maximillionx

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  I would probably handle this situation by being honest with my roommate.  Let her know what their tardiness was doing to overall productivity.
  Even though personal problems are hard to work around, this roommate needs to remember the obligation they have made to the company.  If this means bringing them along with you early to rehearsals, since the SM is there before anyone else, then so be it.  Since you are this person's roommate,  you can be their psuedo-therapist, helping them deal with the problem outside of rehearsals so it won't be an issue.
  You have two priorities in this situation which happen to overlap.  By helping your company with productivity and attendance, you help your roommate retain their part.

zayit shachor

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Bringing a roommate to rehearsal with you is a great solution.

Just to play devil's advocate:  What if the friend isn't your roommate?  What if they live across campus, or off-campus, or you just don't have time to pick them up before rehearsal?

maximillionx

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We usually meet up early and go grab a cup of coffee, chat about life, and then head to rehearsal. Worked out well.
If we didn't have time to meet up, I'd text them early to make sure that they were on their way.


I agree with CBT. if the situation is a lot more complicated, make time for them.  I think a good SM should be able to help out their cast, despite being friends, roomies, etc... whenever they need it.

BLee

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Similar situations have crossed SMs at my college. It is rare, but we discuss it because it can be a potential issue. Personally, my friends are well aware of the two sides of my personality. They have the side they are friends with the the stage manager side which treats them like professional actors. When we had a late issue the director was the one to step in and lay down the law, but I made sure to discuss the issue with them during a break or after rehearsal and make sure this would not happen again.

In the case of the person being a good friend or roommate I have to enforce the rules set before me by the production staff: if you are a minute late your understudy goes on for the day. Like others said, after the rehearsal I would have a heart to heart with my friend not as their SM but as a friend and let them talk it out. Then I would invite them to come early and talk to me before rehearsal. If the situation persisted I would personally have no say in replacing them. If this was a serious consideration I would discuss the possibility with my friend as a fair warning to either figure out how to leave the problems at the door on time or accept the inevitable that this is not the best time for production responsibilities for her.
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Thespi620

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I was just having this discussion with my fellow ASM on the walk back from a low-energy, i-could-just-kill-them tech rehearsal tonight.  We both had very close friends in HS who were actors, I was an actor in HS, and both of us have friends who know that we have two sides-the friend and the SM. During tech week, it is just accepted that the SM takes over and nothing that happens in rehearsal is personal, we're just doing our jobs.

The situation posed is exactly where it gets tricky.  I haven't run into this too much, but it has happened, and at that point, I make sure they know that I am totally willing to be their friend/confidant/crying shoulder before or after rehearsal, but in those few hours that we're in the theater each day, we both set aside the personal stuff and do our jobs.  On occasion, I - and some other SMs I know - have been asked by directors who know that we're friends with so-and-so if there is personal stuff going on that should be addressed by someone better qualified (all I have done is educational settings, so often there are grade issues or rough friendships, family drama, etc), but if it's not that pressing of an issue, I have had to ask friends to stop dwelling on whatever the issue is and told them that if it keeps affecting their performance, there are consequences.

I think the important thing is to differentiate between the SM and the friend--I try to make a point of not discussing rehearsal/show politics/people outside of production meetings and rehearsals, in order to keep the two worlds separate.
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loebtmc

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This is a great learning experience on so many levels.

First, part of your job is to learn to anticipate these issues. If you go to blackout from a bright scene, you should know that the actors are gonna have trouble getting off - you need to remember that your cast has just been blinded by stage lights and can't see. Does this mean glowtape, running lights, your ASM backstage with a flashlight given them something to point towards? And common practice is to have your ASM (or, if you are lucky enough, both ASM and the other side of the stage crew) give you a clear. If it takes a ridiculously long time to get that "clear", you know there is an issue to solve which it is probably not the actors' fault. Side note: Get used to the fact that you usually will not see things that happen in the black and that you will need to learn to trust your on deck folks with headsets to let you know when your show is ready to move on.

Second, actors and crew need to feel reassured that if there is a problem, they can come to you as the SM and it will be dealt with (whether by you or others is immaterial) with no editorializing or attitude. The rule of thumb is to say YES to everything. Period. No other conversation is relevant, unless you need clarification of the problem. If you have to compromise that "yes", you can come back at a later time with alternatives and reasons, but initially your answer is yes or thank you. 

Third, just as being friends doesn't mean they get special treatment, it also means that you can't have different expectations than you would from any other actor. If you wouldn't have lost your temper with another actor, then you should not have lost your temper with this one. More, your friend is coming to you AS A STAGE MANAGER because he assume you (as a friend) will understand the challenge and (as SM) can solve it. 

Fourth, your being upset and frustrated - regardless of how your tech went and its challenges - is something you do not ever, EVER express to, or in front of, your actors (or team). If you and your ASM want to bitch after everyone is gone and in private, great. Otherwise, you need to take a deep breath and learn how not to allow your feelings affect your actions in any way. I think maybe part of the issue was your frustration with yourself and the tech - you say it was a rough night. You have to find a way to either set it aside or get that out of your system without allowing it to impact anything happening right now - and that includes dealing the actors, the director etc. Your personal feelings, while valid, must remain separate. Frankly, it sounds like your personal frustration bled into this situation, and because you saw a friend and it felt normal and safe (because of your preexisting relationship) you just reacted without thinking to their comments. But when they are actor (or crew or design team) and you are SM, you need to maintain that line and find a way to say yes, thank you, sorry, all with a smile and all with confidence.

Congratulations on learning important lessons that will be vital in your professional life. Experience is the best teacher, and you clearly have a great opportunity to take the next step by using what just happened and trying something different so you can experience the different outcome. Good luck - and break a headset!

BLee

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I agree with most everything loebtmc said which a minor adjustment. Especially in an education setting where you do not have the ultimate say, we have been taught not to say "yes" but instead say "I'll look into that". That way they are satisfied they have been heard and the problem is being looked at. That way you have time to find a solution that works for everyone and you do not have to take your words back which can end in more problems than you started with. Just another look at the situation.

The only other lesson that should be pulled is to always ask follow up questions. Rather than immediately saying "no" because of the issue of light bleed (I assume that would have been the problem) I would have immediately asked "what is the trouble?" and then offered up other solutions or gave the "I'll look into that" response to buy me time to seek out a solution. When an actor or crew member demands something like that they feel that is their best solution. That is usually not the case and they do not think to offer up the problem for the SM to provide a solution.

Unfortunately everyone thinks they know what is best. As the SM it is always smart to ask yourself "What is Eating Gilbert Grape?" That means realize that everything that comes out of someone else's mouth should not be taken at face value. Find out what the real problem is before responding and the situation will most likely work out (at least to some degree). In your case, the actor tells you they are going to have a light you can't let them have. The real problem is they can't see, but if you ask why they need the light you find out they can't see in the blackout and the solution is glow tape and an ASM at the exit.
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stagemonkey

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I had similar problem in college myself although it wasn't my roomate just a friend.  Luckily my friend knew I took the work i did seriously and part of my job was reporting lateness.  For the most part in college as the SM I did ask why people were late for when I did rehearsal reports I always stated that so-and-so was late due to whatever they said.  When someone constantly became late to the point i affected productivity i sat down and let them know its becoming a problem and that I have to report them as late in the reports which the whole faculty sees.  So usually when someone was constantly late they often got a talking to by the faculty and seemed to shape up. 

Since it is your roomate, just be honest with them and say the director is getting frustrated with it and if you don't shape up they will replace you.  The idea of taking her to rehearsal with you earlier is a great idea, but I do have to warn not to expend huge amounts of effort on your part taking care of her.  She does need to learn the responsibility she needs to have, but I agree that any SM should be able to put in some extra effort to help out their cast.

Cedes

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This is a great learning experience on so many levels.

First, part of your job is to learn to anticipate these issues. If you go to blackout from a bright scene, you should know that the actors are gonna have trouble getting off - you need to remember that your cast has just been blinded by stage lights and can't see. Does this mean glowtape, running lights, your ASM backstage with a flashlight given them something to point towards? And common practice is to have your ASM (or, if you are lucky enough, both ASM and the other side of the stage crew) give you a clear. If it takes a ridiculously long time to get that "clear", you know there is an issue to solve which it is probably not the actors' fault. Side note: Get used to the fact that you usually will not see things that happen in the black and that you will need to learn to trust your on deck folks with headsets to let you know when your show is ready to move on.

Second, actors and crew need to feel reassured that if there is a problem, they can come to you as the SM and it will be dealt with (whether by you or others is immaterial) with no editorializing or attitude. The rule of thumb is to say YES to everything. Period. No other conversation is relevant, unless you need clarification of the problem. If you have to compromise that "yes", you can come back at a later time with alternatives and reasons, but initially your answer is yes or thank you. 

Third, just as being friends doesn't mean they get special treatment, it also means that you can't have different expectations than you would from any other actor. If you wouldn't have lost your temper with another actor, then you should not have lost your temper with this one. More, your friend is coming to you AS A STAGE MANAGER because he assume you (as a friend) will understand the challenge and (as SM) can solve it. 

Fourth, your being upset and frustrated - regardless of how your tech went and its challenges - is something you do not ever, EVER express to, or in front of, your actors (or team). If you and your ASM want to bitch after everyone is gone and in private, great. Otherwise, you need to take a deep breath and learn how not to allow your feelings affect your actions in any way. I think maybe part of the issue was your frustration with yourself and the tech - you say it was a rough night. You have to find a way to either set it aside or get that out of your system without allowing it to impact anything happening right now - and that includes dealing the actors, the director etc. Your personal feelings, while valid, must remain separate. Frankly, it sounds like your personal frustration bled into this situation, and because you saw a friend and it felt normal and safe (because of your preexisting relationship) you just reacted without thinking to their comments. But when they are actor (or crew or design team) and you are SM, you need to maintain that line and find a way to say yes, thank you, sorry, all with a smile and all with confidence.

Congratulations on learning important lessons that will be vital in your professional life. Experience is the best teacher, and you clearly have a great opportunity to take the next step by using what just happened and trying something different so you can experience the different outcome. Good luck - and break a headset!

Thoroughly agree with you, and I have my own problems with this, but slightly different.  I have a close roommate and fellow SM who is here at WSU, and we worked on Taming of the Shrew Last semester, she was the SM I was ASM. This year, our roles are reversed. I hate to say it, but she is not the best of SM's in some areas, and has a slight attitude problem. This year, she is joking with me, and not giving me the respect I need in a rehearsal hall, seeing that the actors pick up on it, and they will start the same. Some have already noticed it.  I have talked to her, and she still is from the mindset of "we are close, so..." and almost acts as a mentor sometimes.  I have found the best way to deal with it is to not keep her as close as I have in the past (SM wise) and have a professional relationship. I think our biggest problem is that she is not distinguishing the difference between our professional relationship and our personal one.  I am slowly working through this, but it hasn't been easy. 

allenah

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Similar situations have crossed SMs at my college. It is rare, but we discuss it because it can be a potential issue. Personally, my friends are well aware of the two sides of my personality. They have the side they are friends with the the stage manager side which treats them like professional actors.

I agree with you about having two sides to your personality.  My friends, and collegues, know that once I enter the theatre doors...I'm going to behave as a professional.  It's also nice that at some universities, participation in the theatre events counts as a class with a grade.  If this is the case, see if you and the director/coordinator can agree upon a tardy/absence rule.  For example, can you make a rule that if they are absent from rehearsals 3 times unexcused that the letter grade for the class will drop.  Perhaps decide how many tardys will equal an absence.  This way, the actors/technicians know in advance what is required of them.
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dcwhitson

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Establishing the fact that you are a professional and that the success of the production is your main goal is a very important step when the rehearsal process begins. I always explain what my role is with every new cast and crew at the first rehearsal and what they can expect from me and what I can expect from them. My wife does props at the large theater where I usually SM and even she knows that during rehearsal she doesn't get to play by "wife rules" and gets the same treatment as everyone else.

When a situation like those mentioned get to those points, they are very hard to fix without ruining a relationship or losing a cast/crew member. So it is very important to talk with those you may have a relationship with before you start working together so it can hopefully be avoided. I have found that it takes a few productions of doing this until the people that may already know you don't need to have it explained to them before hand. Now my wife knows that there are times when I am in SM/theatre mode and there are times when I am my normal self.

Also, since every SM has different methods and duties depending on the organization and the production, this pep-talk at the first rehearsal also helps calm nerves for new cast/crew who may have never worked with you or any professional stage manager before and may be nervous or afraid to come to you with problems.
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atomicherrybomb

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I've dealt with this in a variety of workplace settings. Sadly, a lot of "friends" think they can take advantage of the situation.

I'd start by telling her honestly that her constant tardiness is effecting the integrity of the show. I know she's dealing with a lot, but she made a commitment in taking this role, a commitment to a lot of people. I'd let her know that if she's late again, we may have to reconsider whether or not she can handle something like this at this time. She's had many opportunities to remedy the situation, and we can no longer accomadate individuals who can't be on time.

I guess it sounds harsh, but its helped in the situations I've dealt with. You can't always be someone's friend.

Shari88

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Hey,

I am a stage manager at my college and my friends are my casts. The first thing I tell the cast when I give a "welcome on board" speech in the beginning of the process is that there are two mes. There is the stage Manager me and the friend me. My friends have just learned that when I talk to them as a stage manager it is professional and business. I have friends that I get along with really well but as a stage manager have conflicts with. The trick is to personally be able to separate the two and then once you do that everyone around you will follow. I usually state when I am talking on behalf of my stage manager persona and when I am speaking as friend. Funny enough usually my tone of voice and the way I speak changes, I get the "Stage Manager" voice. Be truthful to both sides of yourself and it all will come.
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