Hello,
I'm in urgent need of advice about some interconnected problems running a show at an outdoor theater. I've been shouldering the difficulties moderately well while I've been at work. However, this morning and afternoon I was quietly thinking up solutions when, unexpectedly, tears came pouring out of me. I cried so hard my eyes turned bloodshot, which I haven't done in the last twelve years. About fifteen minutes later, I was standing in place to stretch my arms, when my vision went sparkly and my legs went out from under me. I suspect this was an anxiety attack followed by fainting, but whatever it was for me personally, it is in terms of my job performance a cue for me to get the show problems taken care of ASAP.
I'd like to ask you for your advice in coming up with solutions.
This is my second summer at my theater. I’m contracted as “Stage Manager,” but a more accurate title for me might be “Backstage Manager” or “Technical Stage Manager.” Our PSM works closely with the Director, Cast, Choreographer, etc. in rehearsals. During that time, I’m working with three to five Technicians and the TD to hang lights and perform maintenance on set pieces, the stage, props, and sometimes the property in general.
I was afforded the chance to watch one rehearsal of Act One last year, but otherwise, I've always been busy with technical duties during rehearsals. During run-throughs, tech rehearsals, and performances, I’m backstage coordinating scene shifts, props traffic, and safe handling of fire, so I’m not able to give the show itself my full attention at that time, either. The way I made it through last year (this particular show is performed annually) was that a previous Stage Manager kindly volunteered to show me the ropes. She also typed up a running sheet, props checklists, crew assignment checklists, and special notes about the spring, torches, propane, horses, and gunfire—but a number of those elements have changed this year, some elements are missing or out of order on the paperwork (and I’m just finding this out this year), and in most cases, cues and relative timing were never listed for the run sheet. The Volunteer simply knew them by heart. She’d been an Actor in the show in seasons past, and was intimately familiar with the storyline. She told me cues for my responsibilities, but not others’—which worked just fine last year, but this year leaves much to be desired. I’d think about contacting her for advice & perspective, but she is volunteering overseas. I ask questions of people at work who can help, but sometimes they have part of an answer or none at all. Asking my direct supervisor is sometimes helpful, but it often feels like a bad idea, as I will explain in a moment.
This year, the PSM offered to assign me a script if I would like one, as well as one to be kept in the scene/prop/maintenance shop. I gratefully accepted. However, before she could assign it to me, I went to check with the TD (my supervisor/boss) to make sure he still wanted one for the shop, and he informed me the Tech Staff would be assigned one script to be kept in the scene shop "and not floating around." I seemed to have caught him at a bad time, so I apologized and dropped the subject. Having a script in the shop does me no good: I don't have time to do paperwork on the job while we're busy with lighting and various types of upkeep. I need a script I can look at in my spare time, with my computer next to me.
You know that expression about not seeing the forest for the trees? Well, when it comes to the show as a whole and all the tech cues that factor into it, I can see the 'forest,' but it and its 'trees' are fuzzy. To connect with the rhythm of the show, I need to be present for rehearsals or at least have read the script a few times recently. Using a script to make comprehensive paperwork with clear cuing information is the only way I know how to make sure each 'tree' is visible when it needs to be. Currently, I'm cheating by using last year's paperwork and word-of-mouth from various Company members, but there is still more, like relative time between cues, that I could get a much better handle on if I had a script. I haven’t numbered the cues on the running sheet, but there are over 100 rows in the Excel file, so juggling and memorizing is not an option for me personally—one of my lifelong flaws is that I’m scatterbrained and forgetful. I rely on show familiarity and/or clear, accurate paperwork. If I could do get my hands on a script to carefully and respectfully use at home, I’d make paperwork that would enable me to do my job more quickly and confidently.
I should note, too, our PSM does not call cues for things like moving set pieces or turning our spring off and on. It’s my job to know those cues and make sure they get done, whether by me, or by someone to whom I've delegated the task.
Meanwhile, I’ve made several mistakes on the maintenance front, sometimes due to forgetfulness and sometimes from being fairly sure that what I was doing was the right thing when…it just wasn’t. Wires (electric matches, not scrap, as it turned out) stored in the wrong bucket. Measurements taken from the wrong dimensions. An extension cord plugged into the wrong outlet. A to-do list of maintenance chores not memorized. A choice that had to be made: turn the spring on at the cue that was specified last week, or at the cue that was specified more recently, followed by my boss snapping at me, “Fix your #$%^& list.” I mess up daily. I feel guilty and ashamed of how much it irritates the TD and how it seems he's losing confidence in me. As TD, he’s under a lot of pressure to get everything right, just like I am, and I wonder if that’s part of why he’s impatient with my mistakes. It would be perfectly understandable. But because I have so much respect for this person who has taught me a -Lot- about being a Technician that I never learned in school, and because my sense of purpose/accomplishment/pride comes 90% from doing well at my job, it devastates me to disappoint or anger my boss. I've started to walk on eggshells. I defer to him for decisions that ordinarily as an SM (at least in college and community theater productions) I would make. My mind goes blank when a Technician asks me a question I should know the answer to, but I'm exaggeratedly afraid of giving an answer the TD would disagree with. I sometimes can only think and move in slow motion when he's talking to me or when I know he’s watching me work because I’m so afraid of messing up again. I’m not afraid of mistakes in and of themselves. I’d be quick forgive myself if it was a flub I could promptly correct and then move on from, but to lower this person’s confidence in me is extremely disheartening. I look up to him for his intelligence, his wide and fine-tuned array of capabilities, and his sense of humor as well as for the fact that he is my boss. For his sake, for mine, for the story, and for the sake of the rest of the Staff, Crew, Cast, and Audience, I want to excel at my job, but my best just isn’t cutting it right now.
Please, fellow SMs, if you have any words of wisdom, lay'em on me.
Thank you.
Jen
I hope I've posted this in the correct forum. If not, I apologize.