Ah ageism. Sure does exist. I'm a 25 year old SM and on top of being small, only about 5 feet, I also get taken for much younger- usually 17 or 18. (And on a sidenote, if I hear one more time "You'll appreciate it when you're 30"... there will be violence. On the upside, people often tell me that as soon as I begin to speak, they then mistake me for much older than I am, so I guess it balances things out.)
Anyway. I try not to be overbearing or to overcompensate for the fact that I look much younger (and by association, though here we've all proved it's not true- much less experienced) but sometimes people's ignorance just gets to me.
Example: We were about an hour into a very stressfull tech for a very stressfull panto, and the set designer was pitching in for a few last minute details onstage. He was sort of known for his patronizing attitude. A large, heavy prop (the Giant's table) was onstage and I, the ASM, sort of mused outloud to myself "Where should this go"...for the interim was my question as it was about to be used in a few minutes but we needed to sweep. His response was "Well, if you'd bothered to look at my groundplans you'd see it lives over SR." And the fire within me was lit. He didn't know me, he hadn't even bothered to introduce himself to me, who was he to condescend me in that manner- in front of a number of people? My hotheaded response, almost immediately was "Well, if you'd bothered to even look at the space you'd see that that was never going to happen." Because it wasn't. And I was pissed. And you know what, he and I got on amazingly after that. He actually told me before he left how much he respected me for standing up to him and how nice it was to have gotten the opportunity to work with me.
Now I don't advocate mouthing off to any old person, but I felt that I wasn't getting the respect from him that I deserved and I let him know it. Fortunately it worked in my favor. Unfortunately, ageism exists and doesn't seem to be going away any time fast. My advice: work as damn hard as you always do, and the people who need to know will see you for the indespensible person that you are. Sometimes that may not work, but for me it has helped most situation.
Difficult actors are a tough one. I have been able to very passive aggressively knock a few down a few pegs when they deserve it, but I'm told that I am very good at doing without making a big deal about it. What your actor doesn't seem to understand is that whether or not he wants to, he is employed in the same production as you, and he needs to respect you and take direction from you. He doesn't have to like you, doesn't have to be your friend, but he does need to understand that you run rehearsals and when the director isn't there, you give direction and notes. Maybe this is something that you should say to him, or maybe it's something your director should talk with him about, but it seems to me that it needs to be said in some manner.
I actually had a conversation very similar to that with a producer last week on a show I'm SMing and I'll tell you, it was hard for me to say, but it's made all the difference in the world. Our argument was about intermission times and waiting for all of the audience to come back to their seats b/c they don't flash or announce 5 minutes or end of intermission. Basically I was told that if we needed a 30 minute intermission we would have one b/c that's how they've been doing it for 14 years and they weren't about to change for me. I took one of my producers aside and gently explained that 1. It was entirely innapropriate for that to have been said to me, the Stage Manager in front of my actors b/c when I am belittled like that in front of them it says that not only does management not respect me, but it's ok for the actors to do the same, and 2. I'm not trying to march in here and change everything that they are used to, but if my actors wait for every single person to take their time in the lobby and the restroom, when they are ready to begin, then we are no longer serving the play or the actors, but the audience and that's not my job. If I have 5 actors who are ready to start a show on time, then I should have an audience who is ready to finish it on time. And it worked. Things are much better. Whew! (And for the record, each of my 5 actors came up to me appalled that I didn't fight back right then and there. I explained that while I appreciated their support, it was a situation that I allowed to get out of hand and a conversation that I should have ended when it was brought up by the producer).
Anyway, I don't know what advice this offers if any, and I'm sorry to ramble on. I just felt the need to share.
Sharing over. :wink: