PEOPLE: A tricky situation (backstage romance)

[kiwitechgirl]

I have a bit of a situation on my current show, and I'm slightly at a loss to know where to go next.  In a nutshell, I have an actor in his early to mid 40s who has developed a relationship with an actress who has just turned 21.  The fact that the actor in question is married doesn't really concern me - his relationship with his wife is entirely their business - but I am extremely worried about the girl, who is fresh out of drama school and is obviously completely under this guy's spell.  The whole thing feels to me like he has taken advantage of her - he's a very experienced actor with a lot of knowledge to impart, as well as being the worst flirt I have ever met, and is in a senior position to her with the company - and much as it's a horrible word, it seems predatory to me.  I'm worried that the whole thing will turn ugly and she'll have a complete meltdown, jeopardizing not only her sanity but the show - we have no understudies and 10 weeks left to run.  My problem is that I can't really step in until the show becomes affected, but I feel very uncomfortable standing on the sidelines and watching; my sister is the same age as the girl, and if it was her I would be out for blood.  The director is aware of the situation, and has already ripped the guy to shreds about it, but it's had no effect.  I've spoken to one other cast member about it - she's a girl who I trust completely - but she couldn't really say much except that there is definitely something going on, and that she doesn't like the attitude the actor has towards women, from what she's gathered in the dressing room.  I'm not a big fan of intra-cast relationships anyway, but this one just has the feeling about it that it could all turn very, very pear-shaped extremely quickly.  Anybody have any suggestions about what I could do to try and ease my mind?  

[sievep]

I don't think this situation is unique by any respect.  You are right, there is nothing you can do and if she gets her heart broken, so be it . . .she still has to walk in and leave her personal life at the stage door and go on.  She's of consenting age and although you feel strongly about it, I don't think it's your place to step in and try to control your actors personal lives.  Even if you did, they wouldn't listen.  It's kind of like Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz" . . .no one could tell her the one simple lesson, she had to learn it for herself. 

By the way, you are going to run into this over and over again in your career, so the sooner you can shake it off, the better off you will be for it.

[centaura]

It seems harsh, but there's nothing that you can do.  And its hard to watch, knowing that it will come to a bad end.  I had to watch a friend of mine marry a guy over three times her age, who had been interested in her since she was 13, and she divorced him 6 months later.  We spent from her being 13 to her being 21 telling her that there were better fish in the sea, that it wasn't a good relationship for her to be in, and the more we said to her the more she clung to him.  'Adversity will keep us together'.  If your actress can't see the fact that he's married as a big STAY AWAY, there's not much you can do.

The only thing I can think of is if you bought the book 'He's Just Not That Into You' and left it lying around the green room or dropped it off annonymously in the dressing room.  Don't say that you put it there, and you have no garauntee that she'll read it or listen to it, but it would be a big help to her if she'd be willing to read what it said.

-Centaura

[Jessie_K]

There is no better way to piss off your cast than to mess with their personal lives.  Feel free to approach the girl and say that you are willing to listen to her if she ever needs someone to talk to.  But do not try to interfere.  It's technically none of your business.

[Scott]

Ditto what's been said before and then some.

It's only your business if they turn up late to calls.

Reminds me of the apocryphal quote I heard attributed to Sir Lawrence Olivier,  when asked if he thought that Hamlet had slept with Ophelia.  His answer: "In my company, always."

(Sievep, I assume you are refering to Dorothy's bogus lesson tagged onto the MGM movie and not the lesson of the books, which could be summarized as "Home sucks -- especially Kansas!")

[sievep]

Scott - yes, I was referring to "if I ever go looking for my heart's desire, I'll never look further than my own backyard, because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with".

I use that analogy A LOT.

And Kiwitechgirl - Don't speak your mind to any of the other cast members about it.  Not even to find out more info.

[nmno]

Unless they are having sex in one of the dressing rooms between shows, there's not really a lot to do.  The director is already involved (perhaps if there are horrible repercussions s/he and others, will rethink casting this guy, at least in shows with young date-able women).  Curious, is the director a man or woman?

You say "senior position to her with the company."  I'm assuming that just means that he's been there longer or is resident while she is not... 

I disagree with Jessie about approaching the girl with an "if you need to talk".  I think it's still injecting yourself too much in the situation.  When it does fall apart, you'll need to stay neutral and objective.  After listening to her rant for an hour you'll either be red hot with rage at him or exasperated by her ignorance - neither being a state of mind that will allow you to keep the show/cast together. 
It sounds like there are other female cast members to be her support system when need be.     

[kiwitechgirl]

The director is a woman, don't know if that made any difference to her ripping the guy to shreds or not!  You've all confirmed what I thought, in that I can't do anything, so thanks - I just wanted confirmation, really.  Hopefully it will die a natural death without causing meltdown.  Just to clarify, it's not the cast relationship thing that I'm bothered about - I'm well accustomed to dealing with that, and if the girl in question had hooked up with either of the two lovely (single!) 25 year old guys I have in the cast, I wouldn't be batting an eyelid.  It's just the predatory nature of this one that has me worried.

[BalletPSM]

Insert Quote
Unless they are having sex in one of the dressing rooms between shows, there's not really a lot to do

And even then you can't always do anything -- if there are star dressing rooms at the theatre and one of the actors has their own dressing room, you can't always prevent it then.

What is your relationship with this girl outside of the show?  Were you friends before starting work on this show?  If you have a previous relationship, I think you are justified in going to her as a friend (outside of work and the theatre) and saying something to the effect of, "As your friend, I am worried about this situation."  I've done that before to actors -- if I have a previous relationship with them and I feel they are doing something to endanger themselves, even if I am working with them at the time I will definitely speak up. 

However, if you have no prior relationship and the only contact you have is the professional one, then you can't really say anything until it affects the show...or until you start to see it affecting the show.  And even then -- you don't have to attribute anything to the relationship.  You can keep it very ambiguous and say, "I have noticed a lot of tension between you and so-and-so and it is starting to affect rehearsals -- is everything okay?"  or something like that.

[centaura]

It's just the predatory nature of this one that has me worried.

You'll discover as you get older that its sometimes hard to watch young folks do stupid things.  Your experience tells you that its not going to end up good, but there's not much that you can say to a younger person to get them to see.  In this case - she's young, naive, and probably a bit insecure, to get herself involved with a married man.  As a human being, you want to just shout at her "Can't you see that that's not a good idea?", but as her supervisor, you can't.

-Centaura

[philimbesi]

Show-mances happen, and I agree I don't like them but there's nothing you can do about it.    The good thing is normally the don't shatter till after the run (I said normally... )  but in the mean time, the disaster planner in me would be wracking my brain for an alternative IF this one doesn't survive. 

[J]

In this world of "drama" that we surround ourselves in to make a living, we have to remember that it is still work and that it is still just a job.  This is simply an unhealthy office romance.  People will look at them strange, there will be a weird feel in the air, but they're actors, they're job is to perform onstage the characters that they and the director set during rehearsals. If the romance goes sour, chances are it won't affect the show, because she needs that employment just as much as anyone else---plus it's her (and his) professional reputation on the line.

At worst, they'll be cold to each other backstage and the romance scene will be awkward for a day or two. If it continues to affect their performances, then you step in and say "I think we've lost some of the motivation in scene XX" or something like that.

You keep focused on maintaining the show.  Let them maintain their personal lives.

Short story that reminds me of this: I had two guys a few years ago in a show who were getting romantic backstage (they were playing father and son in the show) and for about 5 days in a row, when I called 15, they'd still be chatting up a storm and not in costume or makeup. The same would be true when I called 5 and then they'd rush off to get ready.  But really, my job isn't to demand how they spend their half hour, only to make sure they're ready when the curtain rises!  So on the fifth day, I said "guys, chat all you want to, but at 8:00 the show starts, and I'm not holding the show for you if you're not in costume and makeup."  It got the message across.  They knew that they were there to do a job and it fixed the problem.