Author Topic: Dear Abby: How do you say "stop"?  (Read 4347 times)

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PSMKay

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Dear Abby: How do you say "stop"?
« on: Nov 23, 2012, 12:42 am »
From time to time the SMNetwork staff will receive request from members to post questions on their behalf, in order to preserve their anonymity. This is one of those questions.

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So, I have this friend who I have known off and on for years, and he is a pretty bad stage manager.  I know mostly second hand, I have worked for the same theaters and same directors as he has worked with.  He is currently working with two close technician cohorts of mine.

He is not a leader.

He constantly blames other people for problems that are his – in fact in the years I have known him, he has never (in his eyes) made a mistake. 

He is often paranoid – spending hours and hours over the past years complaining how people at so-an-so theater are out to get him. 

In general he is very frustrated about the downward spiral of his career.

Combine this with an attitude that he is “God’s gift to stage management” – it’s just a perfect storm for him being miserable, which he is.  He is currently on tour, and reports from other people on the tour – he is very close to being fired.  (I know this inside information but he does not. They asked me about my availability after the first of the year. Awkward, huh?)

Recently, he has talked about leaving the field, and I am torn. Part of me wants to support him in his dream, I mean we are friends.  But part of me knows he was NEVER meant to be a stage manager and I think it’s time for him to step aside.   He is talking about other jobs in theater, which I think he might find some success in, although I think theater is not going to be his friend.  I am worried about he will continue to pine for stage management after leaving it.  He is applying to grad school, because he wants to teach stage management. (I am also worried about. He is perhaps the most negative person when we talk about the career and the business. I fear how he would teach and how he would mold the next generation of stage managers.)

How do you have a honest conversation about this as a friend? Do I continue to just stay silent about this? Thoughts?

(BTW, I have said "no" to being available for the tour, as I don’t think it would be cool to take a job from a friend.)

Jessie_K

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Re: Dear Abby: How do you say "stop"?
« Reply #1 on: Nov 23, 2012, 01:33 am »
If you are really his friend, you should not stay quiet and let his life fall apart.

You should not tell him what to do.  But allow him to talk to you.  Mirror him.  If he says, "I'm angry."  You say, "I'm sad to hear that you are angry."  Then let him talk.  Keep bouncing things back to him.  "How do you feel about that?" "What do you think will happen if you switch careers?" "What do you think will make you happy?"

Don't lead him, just follow him.


MatthewShiner

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Re: Dear Abby: How do you say "stop"?
« Reply #2 on: Nov 23, 2012, 07:35 am »
I think it matters how close a friend.  I like what Jessie's says to a point; but if you are really close to him, especially with a pending life changing event coming up, next time it comes up, you want want to be more aggressive about his other options, but let him him open up the topic.

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loebtmc

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Re: Dear Abby: How do you say "stop"?
« Reply #3 on: Nov 23, 2012, 11:47 am »
You can also prime the pot a bit if you know areas of interest where talent and passion lie. If you know the other arenas of interest, you can focus conversation on how good he is at these and how wonderful it is to see him considering jumping into other things, encouraging him to try those alternatives, etc. A brief experience: I have a friend who only wanted to act - and was TERRIBLE. But she is a great photographer. Every time we got together I took the opportunity to admire her pics, suggest her for theater PR shots, etc etc. I actually helped her find work as a theater photog on several occasions. Over time, she found more and more work as a photog - and interestingly, also became a better actor - and while she now dabbles in theater, she makes her living doing graphic work.

(And, as an aside - GRRRR that people who hate it are taking those touring gigs and many who would love them can't get in the door.)

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Re: Dear Abby: How do you say "stop"?
« Reply #4 on: Nov 23, 2012, 01:38 pm »
I've been in a similar situation and ultimately just had a frank discussion about it, starting with "Are you happy at work? You don't seem to be enjoying it" and leading into an honest discussion that maybe Stage Management isn't right for them. For someone who has thought of themselves as 'one thing' for so long it can be daunting to up and change careers, feels like failing. I ended up having him see that he was helping himself by not being miserable, he ended up going into a general management field where interestingly he is thriving.

That all being said... if they're still looking for someone for after the 1st of the year... I am available :)
--Naomi
"First, I honor life, and with it my life in theatre." -- Jacques Burdick

loebtmc

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Re: Dear Abby: How do you say "stop"?
« Reply #5 on: Nov 23, 2012, 04:13 pm »
(me too <g>)

nick_tochelli

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Re: Dear Abby: How do you say "stop"?
« Reply #6 on: Nov 23, 2012, 08:27 pm »
Whatever you do, don't force it. Just like others have suggested: this person needs to make this decision "on their own." Just like director's make decisions "on their own" once you lead them down the right path. People hate being told what to do, and you might just force this SM into doubling down.

Non theater related example: I've been friends with my wife for well over a decade now. But we haven't been together most of that time, she was in a long long relationship with someone else while I was still kinda still tripping over my tongue for her. She would call and ask me for advice. Let me tell you how often I said directly "break up with him and go out with me": Never. You can only give good sound advice, again, while perhaps leading them to the answer that you as an outside observer knows.

Best of luck.